It is really odd for someone like me who can make conversation flow with just a hello has such a hard time at blogging lately.
I think that it results in the fact that I am just so content in my space that I have not really been out and about to see what I can get myself into.
I also wonder if I am self isolating and if I am, I know that leads to depression kicking in. I hope not. I do not usually realize that is what I am doing until it is too late, but today I have pieced together some of the things that I have been doing that says… Stop and Look at yourself.
#1. I have not been returning phone calls. I look at who has called on the id and say, I’ll call back later. Later does not come until I finally get tired of the phone ringing and answer it so whoever is on the other end will stop calling.
#2. I do not answer my door to visitors. I do not want to see anyone so I say thru the door…. Sorry but I have an awful stomach virus and do not want to expose you to it. All the time I hate myself for lying.
#3. Even tho I do take showers daily, I find myself putting my jammies back on. The excuse this time is… I am not dressed so I would have to get dressed to go out and I am comfortable the way that I am.
#4. Food. I am simply not hungry and on the rare occassions I have gone out I have not enjoyed the dining experience. All I wanted to do is get back home.
#5. It is time to call my dr. I know the signs and I have to find out what is triggering these emotions. I am not angry, I am not mad at anyone, I am simply in the state that I want to be left alone, and that is not good.
And I am tired. I am tired of all the drama in my family. Isn’t that why I left in the first place and it took nearly 10 years to contact them again? I know that they love me, I love them, but hell I don’t need anyone telling me what I should do or say or not to say or do.
This is an example. Night before last someone knocked on my door at 3 in the morning. By the time that it registered that someone was knocking I got out of bed. I looked out the peephole but did not see anyone. I asked who was there and got no answer, so I said I am not opening my door so you need to leave.
I guess they left. I went back to bed. The next day I told my sister about it and she immediately wanted me to give her permission to call the office and report the incident. Why does she think that she needed to call the office? I am perfectly capable of doing that for myself if I thought that it needed to be reported.
No one tried to break down my door, no one was harrassing me. In fact… I may have dreamed the whole thing. I was in a deep sleep. Maybe it happend or maybe not. But I don’t think I need her or anyone to call the office and make a complaint. If it happens again I will tell the manager.
The other day I stepped out of my apartment to take out the trash. We have a trash chute on the same floor so I did not even have to leave my floor. I left my phone in the apartment since I was expecting to return less than 2 minutes. Well as it turned out I met a couple of people in the sitting area. I heard voices and peeked around the corner. To my delight it was a couple of people that I did want to say hello too. So I set down and we talked, probably 10 to 15 minutes. When I came back to my apartment my phone was ringing and I had 3 missed calls and 2 text messages. It was my niece. She said that her mama couldn’t get in touch with me because I didn’t answer my phone and was freaking out.
I am not saying that it isn’t nice to have someone check on me, but damn. So do I need to call and let people know that I am taking out my trash and might run into someone I know and be gone for a few minutes?
I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but the same thing happend recently when I took a shower. I did not hear the phone ring and even if I did I would not end my shower to answer the phone.
My sister worries so much, bless her heart. I know that she feels that she is the closest thing to me in case of an emergency, but I do not want her to worry about me like this. She has enough on her plate without worrying about me. She has a key to my apartment, and she and I had a talk. If she cannot get in touch with me after an hour she is more than welcome to come and check on me.
I do answer her calls!
The holidays are right around the corner and I am worried about money as usual. I have a few things bought but not enough. I hate that I have to worry about what I spend even if it is just a few dollars. I have a big Thanksgiving dinner planned and I want it to be nice, but one of my nieces has 2 kids and her husband and said she would bring a bag of ice. WTF.
What if everyone decides to bring a bag of ice?
There I go again sounding ungrateful and I do not mean to be, but this started out to be a potluck, I do the Turkey’s and Ham and a few cassaroles and other things needed and everyone pitch in. So far all I have offered is desserts. No way am I ever doing this again. It has turned into a nightmare. All the bickering of those that have to drive from Dallas, that feels that it is too far to drive, to my kids who do not want to come because of people that they do not want to see that will be there.
I just wanted a nice family get together. What is wrong with that?
So I am sitting down today and calling all on my list to see just who is bringing what and how much.Also this is for my family and friends, but yet I have friends of my sisters coming that I do not know, and I have grown unmarried neices and nephews that are bringing their boyfriend/girlfriend and possibly kids. I have yet invited any of my friends to come.
Anyway this post has become depressing in it’s self. So I will get off here and get started on my menu and list. TTYL