Once in a Blue Moon

Once In a Blue Moon

Once in a Blue Moon I take off my rose colored glasses and see things how they really are and not how I wish them to be. I quit kidding myself for this time. I allow myself to truely look beneath the layers of my life and take a deep breath and exhale. I promise myself that I will not put those rose colored glasses back on, but little by little I always do.  I believed in the cosmic universe of good karma. Treat people right, live right, do not lie, steal, cheat or hurt others. Be good and not evil. Help others, especially family and when you are in need then it will be your turn to recieve help from family.  Ha! The joke is on me. Not that I am asking for help. I am not. I do not need help right now, but I know that in the future I will need help and I know that I am on my own.  That is scary for me.  I am not speaking about extended family or friends, I am speaking of my children.  I carried them inside of my body for 9 months. I birthed them, I loved them, I gave to them what I never had. I do not remember a fuzzy warm childhood where my mom and dad held and cuddled me and kissed me and encouraged me. Mainly I remember being very afraid all of the time. If I laughed and played I was told to be quiet, if I was quiet and did nothing but sit then I couldn’t get in trouble.  I did not do this with my kids. I let them run and play. I cuddled and kissed and I encouraged them in all ways possible. I let them be kids, I let them have a childhood filled with what I did not have.  I tried to instill good values into these children. I taught them not to lie, steal, cheat or hurt others, especially their siblings. I taught them that they were always to be there for one another, to take up for each other when needed and always help the each other. Family, I believed was the begin all and end all first and foremost in the realm of the universe.  Now they are grown and gone on to live in their own little part of the universe and I have to stop and wonder, what the hell did I do wrong???  I forgot to have them include me in their universe.  They all cling to one another, but I am an after thought in their lives.  They do not rise up and call me Blessed, that is for sure. I am sure that when they think of me they cringe with the thought that mom is a real pain in the ass.  Jonathan does not call me. I am lucky once or twice a year to speak to him. Always the same conversation. “I hate the phone mom. You know that. I don’t do email.”  Karyn does call, but I feel like it is a duty call. “Hey mom, I was just checking on you.”  Laurie does call also. We talk about the kids mostly.  Matt calls me too almost daily just to check in and let me know how he is.  Nate will text me once in a while.  But I know the difference of calling to just to check up on me and calling to have a real conversation.  It would be nice to get a card in the mail just a few times in the year, my birthday or Mother’s Day would be nice. But that would take effort. I am sure that Karyn never misses giving Joe’s mom a card and I am sure that she talks to her daily. If not once a day at least 3 times a week. I get a call once a month from her unless I call her.  I have real issues with Lauries mother in law. I cannot stand that woman and I cannot understand why Laurie has anything to do with her. But Laurie doesn’t want to upset Dave, her husband so I see why she is at least civil. I wouldn’t be, but that is me.  It’s a long story, and to make it short, when Laurie and Dave moved to California, his mother gave them some bits and peices of furniture and stuff to set up house. Nothing to write home about, but they were grateful. When Cathy was 3 months old, Laurie called and said that she had black stuff growing on her wall where the roof leaked and ran down the walls. She needed help. When I got there she and the kids were sick. I took them to the hospital where they diagnosed the baby with Restrictive Airway Disease from black mold and Adrian was having some kind of Asthma breathing problems resulting from the black mold. The Dr.s advised Laurie to get the kids out of the house and contact the authorities.  The landlady said she did not know about the problem and gave Laurie back her deposit on the house and told her not to worry about the months rent. Dave was in Witchita Falls Texas on base there and so Laurie really did not have any help.  Dave’s mother said that she would support Laurie in what ever she decided, but when she found out that Laurie got X amount of dollars she wanted half of it and Laurie said no, she needed that money to move on. An argument ensued to where she put her finger in my face while I was holding the baby and backed me up against my car and well I put the baby down and went after her. No blows were exchanged simply because Laurie was begging me not to do anything. Got Dave on the phone and he said for Laurie and the kids to get in the car with me and leave until things blew over.  When we got back Dave’s mother had cleaned out the house. She took everything except a mattress for Laurie, and Laurie’s personal stuff. She took the baby’s toys, play pen….everything that she had ever given Laurie or the kids. She even took Dave’s chef knives and stuff. His pictures, I mean she did not even leave a spoon for the kids. No towels, no nothing. She cleaned house. She left nothing that Laurie could use.  Anyway I moved Laurie to Arkansas because Dave was in Texas and I knew I could get work in Arkansas. Dave to this day believes that I started the fight, which I did not. But his sister came out of the house and saw me go after his mother after she backed me up. It was instinct. I mean really come on. Someone coming after you, one way or the other you are going to defend yourself. All his sister seen and heard was me coming unglued telling her that I would stomp her ass so far into the ground she would have to look up to see the ants go by and that was all it took. I was the bad guy and Laurie was begging me not to do anything to her so I wouldn’t go to jail. I did back off but I did not want to.  Anyway I do not have any use for that woman. Me and Laurie would have been fine. She did not hurt us by cleaning out that house, but she did hurt her grandchildren. No way to bathe them or feed Adrian or a place to lay the baby, no blankets, nothing. I could not forget it. I just can’t.  She didn’t call the grand kids, or send them gifts or interact with them for 2 years. She pretty much made it clear that she had other grandkids, and she really did not keep in touch with Dave and Laurie. As a matter of fact she said that because Dave was in the Marines that he was nothing but Trash to her. She is a JW and does not believe in the military, holidays and stuff like that. She called him Trash! That made my blood boil.  But any rate I would not have anything to do with her. But she called a couple of months ago. I miss my grandkids, I miss you, I want to see you. So they sent her a round trip plane ticket to come and spend 2 weeks. Not that I am keeping score, or maybe I am, but I damn sure don’t see them sending me a ticket to come and visit and I do call, send packages, talk to the grandkids every day and try to work on my relationship with my son in law.  Now they are thinking of letting her move in with them because she is getting older and needs help. After what she did to Laurie and the babies, I am just… pissed off about it. She had the gall to tell Laurie that she wishes that I would not be mad at her and let what happend between us just be water under the bridge.  Like hell!  I don’t know what made me start thinking of all of this today. It just started flitting into my head as I lay in bed waking up this morning. I was thinking of calling Karyn and then I thought. Wait, why not just wait and see how long it takes these kids to call me. In June it will be 4 years since I seen Karyn or Jonathan. They never have the money to come and see me or even when I was in Texas, they couldn’t find the time to come and see me. As a matter of fact I could have met them and that didn’t happen either.  Several times I have suggested that I come for a visit. Hell I would stay in a hotel, but it’s always a bad time, or they are working over time, or they are sick, or stressed out.  Now Matt, I will give him a break because he is at least trying to get his life together. But the rest of them do not get a break. I am their mother damn it and they should respect me just a little more. And I will give Laurie a break because she does call me as much as every day. Her relationship with her MIL has nothing to do with me and her.  I gave to them everything that I had when they were growing up and even after. I stayed up with them and walked the floors with them when they were sick. I spent every dime I had to make sure that they had what they needed. I was there. I did not go out partying, or drinking or doing drugs. I was home cooking and cleaning and checking homework and wiping snotty noses and dishing out hugs along with swats on the behind. I had more than just my kids because I was also the neighborhood mama. Our dinner table always hosted more than just us. Our beds and sofa always held another sleeping child.  I ran countless articles from home to school on a daily basis that was left behind and needed. I was always just a phone call away. Now they cannot even pick up the phone and call me and be really sincere. “Mom how are you really?” I guess that maybe they are afraid that I might want something huh?  I do. I need their emotional support right now.  I went to the dr. a couple of weeks ago because I was having such pain in my legs. It was to the point that I could barely walk and I was getting a little concerned. Well my dr. referred me to a vascular surgeon and by the time that the tests were done and the visit over, I found out that I have 3 blockages. One in each leg in the groin area and one in my Aorta. 67% blockage in my left leg and 65% in my right and they cannot tell how much the heart blockage is.  Then New Years Eve, I went to the hospital because my foot was hurting to the point that I could barely walk on it and I had a sore between my toes that I never knew was there and it was infected. I still cannot walk really well on it.  I need a letter from Karyn faxed to me so that I can turn it in for a medical program and for medicaid. I am not asking again. I have asked 4 times now, sent 2 text messages and I figure that if I lose out on medicaid so be it. The time is almost up. I am not asking again.  I do not want to be a burden on my kids. That is the last thing that I want, but damn it, my rose colored glasses had me looking at my life and thinking that when I needed help, physical or emotional then I would have it simply because I was a good mother to my kids and they would put out what I had put into them.  Well the girls do at any rate. I mean Laurie is opening her home and access to my grandchildren to a damn woman who was cruel enough to leave them practically homeless for a few dollars.  And Karyn is too busy with Joe’s mom that she doesn’t have the time to even meet me halfway for a visit and she makes sure she has time for Joes grandmother who is in a nursing home.  So the rose colored glasses are off and I am going to stop this pity party right here and fix me some lunch and if on the off chance that my children do call, I think that I just won’t answer. They can leave a message or if it is important they will tell me in the voicemail. Maybe I am too accessible. Perhaps if I am unavailable for a while I might cross their minds once in a blue moon.

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