May I have some cheese to go with my whine?

I believe that I have done remarkably well not moaning and groaning and bitching about my lot in life these past couple of months. I have met each obstacle placed before me with sheer determination and will power. I have changed, adjusted and scratched plans to make room for other changes, some good, some ok and some that I will just have to live with. So what am I moaning about.
My kids! Need I say more?
Do they have this built in sonar system that alerts them to drive me crazy? Gee Mom is having it way too good these days, let me do this and see if this will drive her crazy! Believe me what ever they are doing it is working because I am ready for the nut house, would love to be someplace where I can do the Thorazine shuffle in peace and not have to think. It is the thinking that is driving me nuts.
Just me thinking that I can fix my kids is proof enough that I am crazy.
No one has the power to fix kids. So what possessed me to try? Is it that maternal motherhood thing? Or did I just think that I was smarter than they were? How about this one… Tough Love is the answer! Ha! The only one that Tough Love is tough on is me!
At the moment it is not all of my kids that are driving me crazy. Just 2 out of 5 and for that I can thank my lucky stars for. If it was all five of them then I would have to be put to pasture. I can start with Nathaniel. I always thought that Nathan had a great head on his shoulders. When it comes to debate he wins hands down. He has really great common sense, and he is a problem solver. He is excellent at math, puzzles, anything electronic and he makes me laugh with just the things that pop out of his mouth.
Now with all of the good things to go with that son of mine is the fact that he never ever ever uses common sense. Even tho he has it in spades, he never uses it. If and when I call him on something that should be simple to converse or do, he gets snarly. Did I mention that he can out do me in the snarl department? He can and he does.
So last night Matt calls me. Between him and Deanna I really am having a breakdown. Anyway they are fighting which is normal.They cannot go 2 days with out a huge fight and it is heartbreaking because of my grandson. Even tho they live a thousand miles apart, they continue to fight over the phone and she sends me his texts and he sends me hers and for a while I tried to be supportive of the both of them. However I have taken my own advice to them. I delete the texts and not read them.
Deanna called the other day. “Mom Matt is being a jerk and he yelled at me while I was being as nice as I could about his visiting with Alex and he keeps calling me and he wont stop and I need you to call him and talk to him and tell him my side.”
Me… “Well Deanna if he keeps calling you why don’t you just not answer the damn phone? Turn it off or reject the call and No I am not calling him to tell him your side.”
Matthew… “Mom Deanna is texting me and she is saying terrible things, like her boyfriend is going to be Alex’s daddy and I can’t ever see Alex again and she is going to get full custody of Alex and  blah blah blah….”
Me…. “Change your number, delete her texts, don’t let her get to you. All you have to do is just….. Quit talking to her.”
So now when I get texts from them I just delete them and when they call me I just have to say “You are calling me to talk to me right? Your not calling to bitch about each other right? Funny how fast they get off the phone, and then I feel guilty as shit because I know that they are calling me because they need to talk. But I cannot deal with it. I just cannot do it.
So things just go from bad to worse. Deanna is stripping in Reno and is always at the bar. Her aunt has Alex now because CPS was called and she tested dirty for drugs and alcohol and so Deanna sees Alex once a week while she completes this program. Her new boyfriend has only been out of Prision for a few months and he is on some kind of probation?parole? And he does not work. They live in a motel and CPS says that it is not a proper enviroment for a child.
Matthew has no idea CPS has been called and Alex is with her aunt because I fear that the news will push him over the edge. I am afraid he cannot emotionally handle it. My sister seen Matt a few weeks ago and told me she was afraid that he will committ suicide so I am afraid to tell him. In fact I have not told a soul until this blog entry. Everyone is so far apart. They are not close enough to support each other and I have no place for them. I am still living in a RV.
Speaking of which, I am exhausted from dealing with all the things that I have to do. Some days I am ready to throw in the towel and other times I grit my teeth and put on my big girl panties and close my eyes and jump off into the day and wing it. Today is not one of those days. Today I am doing some laundry and cleaning this RV and that is it.
I did do something fun Sunday. I went to Mississippi for the day with a friend of mine. We hit the Casino and I lost my ten dollars five minutes in….. but I got a free buffet out of the deal. My girlfriend put in a dollar and hit twenty, then she put in a five and won twenty, so she came out ahead.
I was also out of the heat and relaxed, slurrped down 3 margaritas and enjoyed the A/C for a while. Then we went sight seeing. We are going to Memphis next month to go to a giant flea market and Bealle Street. It is time to start living again. Our lives has been on hold for way to long. The house will get finished when the house gets finished. I still have to find furniture but I am not going to do that till the rooms are finished. A friend of mine gave me a really nice settee that is nice, so I have a starting peice. I also chose new colors for the house. The paint I have chosen is Sherwin Williams called Blackberry. It is so dark, a really dark wine color. White crown molding and baseboards and the carpet for the den is called Treasure Hunt. It is a berber and has a mixture of wines, golds, copper and turqoise and lavender in it. Very colorful. I am so very tired of the same old thing. I want the house to pop! I want people to come in and be in awe!
When I am not working I am eating…. and eating… and eating again. I cannot believe I have been eating as much as I have. It is the stress causing me to stuff my face. I gotta stop it. I know that my body can only take so much. And with that last warning to my self, I am going to get off of here and lay down for a while. I need a nap. A long one at that. TTYL……….


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