I extended my vacation by one more day. I was supposed to go home tomorrow but my sister and I decided that since she has worked 16 hour shifts for the last 3 days that we needed one extra day and I am happy about that.
I am so very happy that I came home. When I left and went to Vegas I never intended to be gone as long as I was. I was so angry when I left. And the boys were having a good time. I took a job and for the first time I was making my own money, managing my own bills, and I realized that I was creating a new life.
Yes I should have called, I should have wrote, but I had my reasons. I was terrified of my husband. He made it known that he was gonna make my life miserable and he tried and at times he did. So I did what I do best when I am scared, stressed and angry. I withdrew into my own little life.
Days turned to weeks, weeks into months and months into years. I did start to call occassionally. Once every couple of years I would send off a message. Isn’t that terrible. By the time that I realized how many years had passed it got harder and harder to pick up a phone.
There was so many things that happend and I guess that I just didn’t want to face it all. My mother had died, my oldest sister had breast cancer, I was hearing things like…. They are soooo mad at you that they don’t even want to see or talk to you. So I let that be my justification in not calling, not emailing, not visiting.
Then along came the time that I decided to start living in the internet world again. “Facebook” changed my fears a little post at a time. And now that brings me to today.
My sister Susie and I instant messaged for about 5 seconds before I broke down and cried and said “Call Me” and she did. I am soooooo grateful because it was not as hard as I thought that it would be to say I love you and I miss you and I am sorry that I have wasted all these years by shutting you out of my life.
We met in Little Rock a week later. This just happend 15 days ago. We met and stayed at a wonderful hotel, we walked and went sightseeing and we laughed and cried.
She did not judge me. She did not yell at me, she did not do any of the things that I had expected her to do. She did not tell me that I was a selfish bitch and was only thinking of my self.
What she did do…. She hugged me, cried and told me that she loved me and that she now felt as if things were right in her world.
What did I do? I cried and promised that no matter what, I am never shutting them out of my life again.
I never realized how much I missed having my sisters. I should have been here when Mama died, when Sharon went thru breast cancer, when my neice Tiffany had been severly injured in a car wreck and almost died, when my sister Linda needed support thru her daughters life threatening ordeal, when Linda went thru a hysterectomy and nearly died herself.
I have to live with my decisions. Life went on for them without me. I have to accept that I let my fears rule my life and I have made the decision that I will rule my life and not let fear control me again when it comes to family.
I have one more extra day. I have to call Sharon and tell her that I love her and I am sorry I was not there for her. I have to call my brother James and tell him that I love him and am sorry that I was not there for him.
I have one extra day to show the people that I love that I do love them. I have one extra day to reach out.
My sister has this plaque hanging in her bathroom and it says it all….
Life is not measured by the number of breaths that we take, but by the moments that take our breath away………
I want everyone that I love, My family and my friends to know that they are the ones that take my breath away………