Good Morning

I was up at three this morning. The dog let me sleep, I am not sure what it was that woke me up but my eyes popped and I finally just got up and made some coffee and took the dog out and then I played with my farmville and then I played Jungle Jewels where I am really lousy at playing, but it takes my mind off of things and that is what I am after, something that chills me out so I don’thave to think.

 I do way too much of that these days and it is exhausting. Everyone has problems in their lives and I rack my brain trying out how to help, should I help, or should I just step back, mind my own business and let them work it out for them selves. But if I do that, then I feel awful about not trying to help, especially right here smack in the middle of the holidays, which I can tell you that this year is a bummer.

 This is the first year that I can remember that I haven’t had the money to do Christmas the way that I have done. Except the year that I had my kidney surgery and all of my friends made sure that my kids had a nice Christmas that year.

 I know that it is not all about the presents, but in a way it is. I want to buy for my grand kids and it looks like this year it will have to wait until after the New Year. I have some things bought, but not what I had planned on.

 For Adrian and Cathy, I wanted to get them this Bilingual laptop. It is only $39.00 but I don’t have it and even if I did, I don’t have the money to even put it in the mail.

Alex is just 3 months old, but I wanted to get him some more clothes and a toy. I did get a few things, so it isn’t like there will be nothing under the tree, but I am so bummed out over it that I don’t even want to do a tree. Sad huh? I never ever thought that I would reach the state to where I didn’t at least want a tree.

 This has been a hard hard year for me and I have been trying to pull myself out of the rut, but sometimes it is more comfortable to stay in the rut and not get out. The harder I try to be positive the worse it gets. I am out of answers, out of energy and out of motivation and out of just giving a damn. This is just not like me. I am working on it and I know that this is the year that I have to make BIG decisions.

 I am not close to my siblings. In fact I have not had much if anything to do with them in the last 8 years. All of them in one way or another hurt me so bad that I said, Fuck em and I just walked away and never looked back. I decided to make my own life with me myself and I and my kids and I have been happy in my decision.

 My daughter said that I need to let go of the past and reconnect because family is family and I am just not ready. I know that it is me and no one else, but I don’t want to get caught back up defending every move that I make, every move that my kids make,

 They can all sit back and tell me what I need to do, but if I choose to do something different then that is when problems happen. For example, when I moved they were on my ass about where I was, why I didn’t call, what was I doing and it did no good to say, hey just give me some space.

 I called my sister a few years ago and for the first 5 minutes things were great, then she started in on my kids. How they were running wild, drinking, and living with there boyfriends/girlfriends and on and on and on until I just hung up.

 I was ticked. I mean, she should look at her own kids. Trust me they do and have done a whole hell of a lot that she doesn’t know about and I didn’t say hey look at what your daughter is doing, or your son or you. I just said, “You wonder why I don’t call or write or email you. This is why. You can’t even talk to me for the first time in years without putting you and your family up on a pedastal and then throw dirt at me and my kids. Goodbye.”

 So anyway I don’t know if I should connect or stay disconnected. I just don’t have the energy for all of this drama. Besides I have finally got my blood pressure down and I am learning to de-stress and all this does is make me upset.

 My dIL does not understand. I told her last night that it is a situation to where she would have had to have been there to understand. I know that siblings have conflicts, but I have always felt that I have never done anything right and everything that I do is wrong and that they have made all the right decisions and I would never measure up and I know that is just a load of bull shit because they didn’t make the best decisons, they just liked to believe that they did.

 My oldest sister’s daughter had a baby boy two days after my son Jon was born. I spent a lot of time with Jon teaching him and working with him. He was reading everything he could get his hands on when I enrolled him into Kindergarten.

 My sister said that I was bragging about Jon too much when I would call my mom and tell her that Jon made Honor student, student of the month, was in the newspaper for something. My mom would get on the phone and call all of my sisters to inform them of Jon’s happy news.

 So Ok, he is my son and I am proud of him. Maybe I did crow a little and a little loudly, but you know what, I wanted him to know that I cared and was proud of his acheivements. So I quit saying anything to any of them. My sister got the paper on year where Jon received an award from the Govenor. It was a big deal. She called me to complain because I didn’t let her know and she had to find out about it in the paper.

 So it is like that with everything that I did or didn’t do. I am sorry that her grandson didn’t make good grades, was in honor programs and stuff, but that isn’t any reason to hound me because I pushed the importance of an education on to my kids.

 Not in a bad way, but if they chose to do an event, they had to stick it out. I didn’t allow them to give up or walk away or not try their best. I encouraged them to follow thru and do well. But my kids are happy that I did, they are smart and well rounded and each one of them graduated. Well Nathan graduates in February, but to hear my family talk, they are as dumb as dirt.

 So this hasn’t turned out to be a really good morning after all. More like a huge venting morning. I think that I need to go and have another cup of coffee and channel my non energy into doing something. Maybe go for a walk or something. I don’t know yet.

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