Insomnia Is So Tiring


I can’t sleep. Not unusual but if I really did need some sleep then it is tonight. Morning now, almost 2:00 am…. I have to be up at 5:00 am and headed to Dallas at 5:30 am. And I am wide awake. My body is tired but my mind is as alert as ever.

I haven’t had much time to do much of anything. I have a neighbor that is fairly stalkish. She comes to my house and stays forever. I feel bad when I ignore her, I know that it is rude but dang it, she should understand when I put my Do Not Disturb sign on my door that it means what it says. So if she ignores it and I don’t answer then she phones me, and if I don’t answer then here come the texts. I refuse to shut off my phone, so sometimes it is easier to deal with her directly.

And that annoys me!

And when I get annoyed then I get pissy….

Then I get mad

Then I tend to get rude and ugly and I hate being like that.

She has made some enemies here just by the way that people see her treating me.  Plus she got a new dog and that dog keeps peeing in my house.  He doesn’t pee in her house, just mine. He is marking his territory or something but it has to stop.

Also get this. I have invited her to dinner several times. I make nice meals. Meat Loaf, mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls and a veggie….. or something hearty and filling. Fried Chicken and the works, or Chicken Fried Steak and the works…  She invited me to dinner night before last and gave me a frozen tv dinner. I got my choice…. chicken and noodles or meat loaf. I chose the meat loaf. Then I came home and made myself a bowl of cereal. I think that I will eat before I accept any more dinner invitations.

and

I know that this is a shitty subject but she walks from her apartment to mine to use the bathroom. Seriously? I came a little ticked over that and pointed it out and asked…. “Why do you come to my house to take a dump or piss?” I was angry with her anyway and she just left her apartment and walked into my house to use the bathroom. She is a mooch and I figured it out that she doesn’t want to use her toilet paper! Mine is free or so she thinks. It saves her money and toilet paper is cheap until I have to start buying double. And Kleenex…. I gave her a box thinking that she would stop using mine. I went thru 3 boxes this month. Before I met this chick, 3 boxes would last me 3 months.

and

She just assumes that my Casa is her Casa. Drives me F***King nuts. Some one was knocking at my door the other day and she said to them… “Oh just go on in, you don’t have to knock..” Says Who? So now I lock my door.

So this is a Bitch fest. I needed this time to just vent and I thank you in advance to listen to me whine…. Blessed Be

Return Of The Light


Spring Forth……  I can hardly wait for Spring. I am itching to see flowers bloom and the trees bud and hear the sound of Mother Nature calling in the form of the birds chirping and the bees buzzing and just all of the little sounds that make it Spring.

Late at night to listen to the crickets, frogs and the little rustles in the bushes. To smell the faint scent of the roses, the night jasmine, the honeysuckle and the smell of fresh cut grass. I want to sit in the sun and drink a cold beer from a frosty bottle, wear big sunglasses and a floppy hat and stick my hands deep into the soil and turn the earth and plant seeds that will sprout and grow.

I am ready!

Sunday the 2nd I will be having a tea. My sister gave me a really great cake stand in the pastel colors of purple, pink, blue and green. Along with the plates, server and the cups. There will be 4 of us. I am really not sure about one lady that is coming. I didn’t invite her, another friend did that and I was kind of like “Oh” but what could I say? Uninvite her? Well yeah I could and it is my party and she should have consulted me, but she didn’t and so I will deal with it.

It isn’t that I don’t like this lady. I do, but I am not so sure that I want her here at my Imbolc celebration. I am discreet and she is a gossip. I can hear it now…… in hushed whispers……. “Did you know that Beth is a Witch?”

” She has a wand and everything!”

“She has celebrations and who knows what she does on a full moon.”

So yes I am a little hesitant.

On the other hand I am going to enjoy myself and have fun with my friends and just be.

And that my friends is my plan…. Blessed Be

I Am So Happy With Good Reason


1012924_3773902363153_1579843378_n Before I start my post, please meet my newest grandson. He was born at 2:35 January 11th. Dante Angelus Hernandez weighed in at 6lbs and 8oz. We were expecting a much smaller little man but he surprised us. I wish that I could hold that little man in my arms and shower him with Na-Na kisses.

He came 3 weeks early to the day. He was not suppose to be here until Feb 1st, but he decided he didn’t want to wait that long. Laurie had a hard time with this pregnancy and she woke up on the 11th feeling well rested, (a plus) and had plenty of sleep and had decided that the day was going to be really productive. And guess what. It was. A few hours later she called to say that she thought that her water broke. It was not fully broken, thankfully she waited until she got to the hospital for that to happen.

Anyway he is here, Laurie had a fast delivery when they finally started the Pitocin to start the inducing process. She had 3 good contractions and he was born. His daddy was able to cut the cord and be with him. This is his first time to be able to have experienced the birth of one of his children.

Laurie just called and they had taken Dante in for his circumcision and so we talked until they brought him back to her. I didn’t hear him cry so hopefully he isn’t in much pain. They might get to go home tonight but probably in the morning. She said that she can feel her milk coming in.

Adrian and Cathy are at McDonalds with Aunt Karyn and Laurie said that they actually was able to upload a picture on facebook so I am off to check on fb so I can scrap it. Blessed Be and ttyl.

Up Before Sunrise, WoW…..


The last two days have been rough. I had to go to Dallas on Monday to see my PCP and he gave me a round of antibiotics just in case I had a secondary infection somewhere due to the fever that I have had for almost a month. He called it a Viral Syndrome but said it had been long enough that I could have some extra help. I went to bed last night with no fever and awoke at 6 this morning needing a cup of coffee.

Ahhh Coffee. I have to give it up. At least go to decaf and there is a big reason for that.

Yesterday I went back to Dallas to see my Gastro dr. I had a scope done on Dec 11th that shows I have multiple stomach ulcers. One is pretty bad. He went over my medications and took me off of the 325mg of aspirin that I was taking and said that it was eating up my stomach.

Also my Alahacalisa is pretty bad. He tried to dialate the sphincter but was not successful although he did get it open enough to insert the scope.  I need the surgery and guess what? He cannot find a surgeon in Dallas that is qualified to do this surgery since it is so rare. Only 2 in 1000 have it and usually not to the extent as I have it.

Also I am having some problems with my kidney. That is not unusual since I have dealt with that all of my life but it is going to be Feb 5th before I can get in to see the kidney specialist. I am in a lot of pain. Mainly in the late afternoon since I am up doing so much during the day.

I had a talk with my neighbor about Boundaries and why I need them and it really went well. I put a sign on my door that can be flipped if I am up for company. One side says Welcome and the other says

“Friends this is not meant to offend, but everyone needs their own time. Please do not disturb, leave a note instead.”

So I have a package of Hot Pink sticky notes and a pen in place for the ones that will leave me a note.  I explained to my neighbor that sometimes in order to manage my depression I need time alone to work on things and think and just be by myself. I am not a hermit but I really value my quiet time. Such as this morning. This is the first time that I have actually gotten to sit down and write without being rushed and interrupted.

I ended a friendship New Years Eve night. Actually it was the night before. The company that I am with that provides my Aide to help me came to assess me one day and asked how my Aide was working out and I told her that I did not have one. My friend was helping me, and they got to talking and she asked my friend if she would be interested and she said she would be.

I should have listened to my gut instincts but I knew my friend could use the money and I could use the help.

So my friend took the job, helped me really great for about a week and just stopped coming over. She took another job that was just supposed to be weekends only but ended up full time so I told her, I don’t care what time you come over as long as you come over.  She did for a while and then nothing. Once a week maybe and then she just did my dishes and left saying she would be back and not come back.

I should have called and reported her but I knew she was struggling and needed the money so I talked to her and she did get a little better but the month of December when I was so sick and in and out of the hospital and truly needed the help she didn’t come to help me.

She came over Dec. 30th and I told her that I needed her to go to the store for me so I could cook for the New Years Eve party the next night. I was asked to bring a pot of greens. She told me that she had to go home and take a shower and be right back. At 8:00 pm I texted her and told her to just forget it. I was sick and sure as hell wasn’t going to sit up all night cooking greens. I wanted to cook them a day early because they are better the next day. Instead I called and canceled my part of the party and never went. I was pretty sick with fever and chills and did not need to contribute my illness to anyone, but I felt bad because another friend who was also sick went out and got them and cooked them for the party.

So I told my friend/aide to turn in her paperwork and not to come back over so today I have to call them and tell them that I need another aide. I was just to sick to deal with it on the 2nd of Jan. and then I had all of these dr. appointments that needed to be taken care of that I did not feel up to having a new worker come in, but today is the day that I will be calling. As a matter of fact now is a good time. Be right back.

Now that is done and I am waiting for someone to call me back. Isn’t that always the way it goes?

I try to do things around here myself but I cannot bend to clean my bathtub and behind the toilet and vacuum and sweep and mop and that is what I need. It is just 3 hours a day, not all day and I am not demanding at all. I was so lenient on my friend that she took advantage and what really got me is that she was turning in hours that she didn’t work. Sometimes I did not see her for 3 or 4 days and then she would run in do my dishes make an excuse and leave. I have been trying to keep up by myself and I just cant do it anymore.

Anyway I have a call in and hopefully my case worker will call me back. I sure hope so. If not then I am going to change companies. This will be my 5th aide in a year. One woman would leave and go sit in her car and smoke, then the next girl was pregnant and her boyfriend would sit in the parking lot to make sure she really was at work and she would have to run down to check on him and reassure him that she was working. NOT. What little she did she did half ass. The next girl brought her kids to work with her and her sister and her baby with her and the kids begin fighting and knocked over a tall bottle of blue Gatorade, knocked into my table and spilled my sensi candle wax all over my carpet, beveled glass table and wall. The baby spilled a whole can of soda. She wasn’t making them mind and I told them to sit down and listen to their mother. She got mad and never came back and now this girl.

Well the company called me back and will find me someone else. I am glad that is over and done with.

On to other news…. Laurie is dilated 1cm and will be 37 weeks on Saturday. Our baby can come anytime now. I just cannot wait for him to be here and for Laurie to have a safe delivery. She hemorrhage’s during delivery so I get really scared. She has done this with both pregnancy’s and I was very worried when she told me she was pregnant again.

Her due date is Feb 1st but she does not think that she will go that long. Her Braxton Hicks contractions she said are very intense now and are happening every few hours then stops and starts again. I guess it is just a waiting game from here on out.

Guess I better go. I have been on here a long time. See what happens when I have free time? Wow… I think that I like it! Blessed Be to all.

I Barely Skimmed The Surface


I promised myself that 2014 was going to be a year of Positive Glowing and Happy Posts. Maybe I will get there but not tonight or almost this morning. It is late but I just got back from a Gab fest with a couple of friends and a few topics came up that irked me and I ended up showing my Rearing Ugly Head. I won’t go into them but let me just say that I do not care the  about the color of a man’s skin. I care about the job that he does for our country. I don’t care if you get food stamps or welfare, but I want you to be deserving of it. Is that so wrong to want? So I am peeved and I know that it is just my opinion, but damn it my opinion counts too. I have seen too many people in need turned down when needing help and know of one woman in particular that is drawing the max and bragging about it.

I have seen people in a flood lose everything and FEMA grossly abused by fraudulent claims. I see my sister needing to receive Medicaid to have a serious surgery only to be told that she makes $40.00 a month too much. Quit your job she was advised!!! She would lose all that she has and no way to put food on her table or a place to live for $40.00 a month. Everyone deserves medical treatment.

I have seen people with Mental Health Issues living on the streets, no one caring about them or letting them slide thru the cracks because they do not know where or how to seek treatment and are discriminated against because of a mental illness.

It is WRONG and yeah I am peeved. Actually I am PISSED.

I was barely in bed last night when it hit me that I did not blog about the other stressers stressing me out. Like My Aide that decided she would turn in hours saying she worked that she didn’t. Nice huh? More on that subject at a later time. It is too late tonight but it is still a big factor in my life.

Also the Power Company that I cannot get thru to pay my bill because no real person is on the other end of the line. I tried to log into my account but it wouldn’t allow me access. I tried paying with my debit card to be told that it was an invalid card. After 3 times it locked me out. I spent 2 1/2 hours and finally got thru, paid the darn thing and made a complaint. Then today I get a call from them wanting to know when I planned to pay the bill…. ballistic I was but I held it together and got thru that!

I am still worried about my daughter that is pregnant but she called today and says she is a little better. Just tired and ready for Dante to be born. My little granddaughter is so sweet. She called me to tell me that she does not mind sharing the baby with her mommy, daddy and brother but I am her Na-Na and she was not sharing him with me. Kids are so funny…..

I am going to post one of my latest pictures of them. Dante is the one who has his hands over his face lol.1044310_3419810271072_1162432747_n397795_3049291848343_1103165245_n Adrian and Cathy are the oldest and Dante should be here on or before Feb.1st 2014.

I am going to end this on a happier Note. Good Night! Blessed Be!!

It Is All About The New Year or Not….


2014 didn’t sneak up on me. I had as much time as everyone on the planet did to know that it was coming. What threw me was the fact that I have been so sick with the flu/virus or virus/flu. (No one really knows what the shit I had was actually called) and the cyst in my kidney that has doubled in size and the frigging esophagus sphincter thingie that has to be replaced not to mention 1 scope and 2 er visits, the latter occurring on Christmas Day, I totally lost track of time.

Hell who am I kidding? I could barely get off the couch for longer than it took to go pee. I was crabby and filled with grumpiness that would make the Grinch look like an Angel. I can first say that there were various contributing factors to my ill manners and my mental state of mine. Not sure where I should start first but I feel that some venting is in order for now.

I guess I can start with what is hitting me hardest at the moment. And that would be………..

I have a new neighbor that does not know boundaries.

She thinks that it is fine to visit all day every day and so I had a Do Not Disturb Sign made for my door and she got all pissy about it…. Well so the fuck what…. It is my door and if I don’t want company that is my right. I pay the rent here telling me that I can be open or closed, to leave me the effin alone if that is what I want and yeah I want that.

She sees nothing wrong with snooping thru my stuff and yesterday I told her…. your overstepping your boundaries. My purse is off limits. We went to eat and she reached over to “taste” my Margarita and boy I set her straight… Order your own, I am not I repeat NOT drinking after you. If I loan her something then she thinks that I gave it to her.

I cut her some slack. She was trampled in the head by a horse when she was in the rodeo. I am sorry that happened to her. Then 2 months ago she woke up and her boyfriend was in bed beside her Dead… That would be enough to send me off my rocker too, but I have to do something or I will go nuts. All I had ever done was say hello to the woman and it is like she IMPRINTED on me like a duck or a turkey…. I am like…. WTF???

She has to do everything that I do, buy everything that I do, snoop thru my stuff when she thinks I am not looking, gets pissy because I need some privacy.

(WARNING)…. Be careful who you smile and be friendly with and say hello to. You might just have someone that thinks that your THEIR property.

I broke a nail today…. Whahhhhh and boo hoo… still it screwed up my manicure. Least of my problems.

My daughter called me and said that they are testing her and watching her for Pre-eclampsia so naturally I am worried about her and the baby and then I find out tonight some other disturbing news that I just cannot talk about right now.  In due time. I am sure I will need to blog about it, I just can’t do it right now.

This has just been a crappy day and I am just so tired. I have not had a way to the damn local wal-mart here and so I have been off my meds 3 days and feel a major ass panic attach arising in the distance. I called my sister and she told me that she would carry me to the store tomorrow…. Thank Goodness for small favors. I miss my car!!!!

Things have been very hard emotionally for me the past few days, especially the month of December and even November was not a cake walk and I just need some time alone to come to some decisions and I resent the fact that my privacy has been invaded and if I don’t answer the door I have to turn my phone off because she starts texting and she does not care if I am sleeping, taking a shower or have other company. I have tried to tell her nicely and rudely but she just does not choose to get it.

I don’t want to move but I might need to look into a few more housing options. The office can’t do anything about it, and we have a nasty old man here who thinks I am his next bullying target. Boy watch me go to the police on that one!

So I am apologizing for my crabbiness and wish everyone a great night and weekend!!!! See I do have a little happiness stored somewhere!!!!

Thanksgiving Is Over But I Am Still Thankful


The Turkey feast was great, the companionship was awesome and the food delicious. Seeing people, old and new was a really nice way to spend a few hours on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Then on Thanksgiving afternoon I met with some of my friends where we did the whole thing over again but to a lesser degree and still I have turkey and dressing in the fridge.

Ham for Christmas and Yule. Not sure if I will have both or will do much of anything over the next holiday. I may sleep. I plan to get my Christmas Cards out and start sending them off. Today is the 1st of December so it is time if I want them to reach people before New Year!

I am so tired. I have been on the go for the last week. Not even sure who I am these days. My girlfriend Laura said that I have a dual personality. (She did a reading about me and came up with duplicates of everything). Split personality…. Possible and probable. But if there are 2 of me then it is only fair that one of me lends a hand with the housework which I have neglected this past week. I did a quick straightening up Friday night because my sweetie was coming to see me and spend the night.

I am so happy when I am with him. He makes me laugh most of the time. We have a few regrets in our relationship such as we wish we had met at a different time in our lives. We have a large age gap between us which bothers me more than it does him, but he brings a smile to my face and warms my heart and holds me tight and keeps me warm during the nights we share.

I snore and he grills me about that, and he grits his teeth and I grill him about that so we are even. I kick the covers off and he rolls up like a burrito and when we first got together he said… “No offense but I don’t cuddle when sleeping.” No offense taken, I don’t like to cuddle while sleeping either, but every time, in the middle of the night, he wraps himself around me and talks in my ear. I call it pillow talk except he is sound asleep and would never believe me if I told him what he said.

I love how he calls me Baby, I love how he says my name and I love the sound of his voice. I love how he likes to take me out and does not push me for sex. Sometimes all we do is talk and hold each other until we are both falling asleep.

I hate the fact that he lives so far from me and we cannot see each other when we want to but that makes our time together more special.

We are texters. We do not talk much on the phone, but when we do I enjoy the surprise of him calling and saying…. I missed my baby. I love the little messages he sends to me… like… I haven’t talked to you since this morning, are you alright baby?

I love the way he opens the door for me, pulls out my chair, helps me with my coat and walks on the outside if we are side by side to keep me from harm. And the way that we talk. We can talk about anything. He is tolerant of most everything that I do except picking music…. Oh and I cannot ever under any circumstances diss his boys and by that I mean the Cowboys, Mavericks….. and so on. He puts on his fighting cap for that! If they are losing the correct response is…. Awe baby I am sorry about that…. and if they are winning the correct response is Wow look at those Champs!!

It’s all good. I leave him alone on Game Day and he and his buddies can have their Man Time. He has a soft spot but does not like to show it. He loves his cat. He loves his Mama and his family and he loves me. Guess I a have a lot to be thankful for……………. BB